Grrr...Confusion

I have succeeded in thoroughly confusing that man. He was surprised when we talked again that I was not jealous. That I had only best wishes for his new relationship. He seemed surprised that I genuinely cared that this relationship work out well. That I would not allow myself to become a threat when I knew the type of relationship he is seeking with this new woman is something he desperately wants, and not something I could ever offer. That I refused to become "the other woman" and bring up insecurities and jealousy. Which does, at these point, mean backing the f off until he creates a more solid foundation than the two week old one he has.

He was shocked to learn that my pain and hurt stemmed mostly from the loss of a friend and confidant. And a sense of rejection...that nothing in our time together was worth maintaining and holding onto at this point. That I liked him, probably more honestly and sincerely than most people he's known.

He also seemed shocked I had been aware that he had been seeing someone else. And that, knowing my more open views of dating, I had not been doing the same. And that his seeing anyone else didn't bother me. He was shocked I knew he was divorced when he had never mentioned being married (and married young...I didn't find out until a few weeks ago he's actually a little younger than me). But body language gives people away. His walk, arms held further away from the body than most, gave him away as a cop. Utility belt does add several inches to the hip.

And much much more subtle...one I still find myself doing on almost a daily basis...brushing the thumb against a naked ring finger...as if adjusting a ring...that's no longer there.

He was surprised I really did care for him. And while he struggles to figure out what this all means, while he stews on whether he is capable of being completely honest with this woman as to not allow her to feel insecure or threatened, I can do little but sit it out and wait. I've put a complicated scruple in his head from the day we met. And if the friendship meant anything to him, he'll figure out how to make it work.

But I could not be happy with myself if I attempted to deny him the happiness he found in her by stirring up any jealousy or friction.

One of you, my shoulders from afar, had a very valid thought...perhaps he felt more deeply for me than he was willing to admit, fell hard, and wasn't sure he could trust himself to restrain if need be. And knowing ultimately what he hoped of our relationship was not a commitment I was capable of offering. Without that trust in himself, it is easier to cut and run...get away from the temptation.

His parting words...

You are one of the most honest people I've ever met and you truly cared about me. You're kind and thoughtful....and happiest when you make others happy. And in our time together I was happy.

He figured me out on one of my most basic levels...even though he doubted in his ability to read people.

Poor guy...and he thought he was confused before he even met me.

Of course the sucker still has my glass baking pan,among a few other pieces of cookware. He'll have to suck up the courage to see me face to face eventually. Because I told him out right I will not let him forget to return it.