Catching up

I hate the post holiday funk. The joy and awkward of visitations fading away so quickly into memory. Fuzzy around the edges. It was surreal...moving so effortlessly from blanketed snow to muggy greenery...never even batted an eye. Not even a change of clothes short of shedding the winter coat at O'Hare before passing through security. Shedding of the winter coat...removing an old skin, too bulky for the destination...unburdening what no longer works. Heading onto a new climate. Heading into a new year. A new start. On my own again.

I longed to dive right back to work here...and dive I did. Right into a pile of stress and miscommunications. The network is down at the theatre. And this is a theatre, while still in the 20th century, has failed to set up any backup in case this vital form of communication is down. Oh, like maintaining a call board, or even the simple task of picking up the phone. So most people this week had no idea what the what, where and when was. Thankfully...no performances. Just workshops and rehearsals. I did appreciate the workshops. It was neat to hear the early stages of the scripts that we'll be tackling next season. All but two of them are new works or new adaptations. The new work is one big appeal of this theatre. I just wish the artisitic director put his foot down a little harder to ensure said scripts are finished in a timely manner...

But the workshops, while fun, were ultimately a waste of my time when the tour show has about a week to be finished. I'm nervous for this show. Mostly because I don't care. And why don't I care? Because the director does not bother to think of things ahead of time or answer questions. He's a little too impromptu for my taste. And I also get the vague impression he hasn't bothered actually looking at the designs or using the rehearsal costumes. Tech is going to be a mess...

But tis a New Year. I hope one better than the last. Too many goodbyes in 2007. Great accomplishments that seem pale and slightly insignificant now...Sorry...I've been quite moody and merose these last few days. The funk will pass. It always does.

New Year's eve itself wasn't bad, though I still think the highlight of the break was my first night back...sitting in Nicole's apartment with Andrew, and another friend of Nicole's, watching Hot Fuzz while those of us wishing to partake of booze sipped lychee martini's. I was thrilled that the vodka from Maui made it in transit alright.

New Year's eve I ended up killing a lot of time on my own while Nicole worked. Time alone much needed. Eating a meat pie with a cider at Elephant and Castle. Wandering the loop, past the Goodman, through Macy's, through the park, in the Chicago Cultural Center. I'm forever annoyed at how early everything wants to close up in the evenings. It was hard to find a warm interior that wasn't a bar after 6pm...and the snow was falling heavily by that point. My gloves had been carelessly left in another's car on my return trip to Milwaukee. My fingers ached and toes tingled as I sludged along, now counting the minutes until I could join my friend for the evening festivities. I passed through the park...saw Lincoln sitting in solitude as well, dimly lit, covered in snow. Probably chilled to the bone as well.Eventually I started heading Northward and Westward...in the vague direction of Nicole's job. A dry stone bench, hiding beneath the protection of a large stone vase caught my eye...out of the wind...away from much of the drifting snow. So I sat. And did a stupid thing. Something that should have been done in person many days early. In a sour mood. A phone call. In the cold. Tears, cruel words, anger and fear. And deep love and respect. Freezing cold. Alone. On the phone New Year's eve. I must have been sitting incredibly still during the phone call...a security guard from the bank I perched next too came out to make sure I wasn't frozen. I smiled and thanked him, though I'm sure he noticed the streaks on my face. He wished a happy new year and moved on. As did I...to find some warmth for my frozen toes as the phone call wrapped up.

I found brief solace in Macy's. Maybe 10 minutes or so before they closed their doors...but long enough to warm through again.

And back on foot through the streets towards Chicago Avenue. Finding a not so crowded jazz bar along the way...with yet an hour to kill. Two gentlemen let me settle in the one open seat between them. Both smoking as if the world were about to end...and for their pathetic cigarettes and cigars...it was about to. Midnight. Doomsday for smoke in bars. Signs already posted. Bartenders sucking down smoke as someone drowning would gasp for air.

Sipping bourbon. And surprised by a text. Another friend, loosely defined. Seeing if I'd started my festivities. And rubbing in the fact, though I hope unintentionally, that he was about to head out with his girlfriend. Salt in a new wound. Though how could he have known about my earlier phone call.

Finally the golden hour approached. Nicole met me at the bar and we promptly left for a locale that didn't place as much emphasis on foot attire. Seriously...it's the middle of winter in Chicago. Do you honestly expect every woman to be walking the streets in strappy dress shoes? So onto the train...
We found a sweet little local dive on Belmont. Le Tavern. Just crowded enough...still a space with a table. Quiet enough to sort of carry on a conversation. And a swallow of champagne from a styrofoam cup. A much better end than a swanky bar or overrated dance club. No cover. No hassle. Just the bar and the company.

And sopped it all up at 12:20 with a patty melt and sweet potato fries at a 24 hour cafe. First meal of the New Year was a nice greasy one.I think we made it back to the apartment around 2am. Promptly feel asleep for a few hours, only to rouse at 6am to head to O'Hare. Goodbye again. I hate goodbyes. It was tough saying goodbye to that poor Honda too...I was sad to sell that faithful car...but I wouldn't have been driving it for another year and a half...if that...
Handing over my winter coat to Nicole. One last hug. And turned around. I kind of felt as though I was turning my back on the past. And this time around...REALLY uncertain about the future...short of having a job and a home.

And it was home. Drop dead tired upon arrival in Honolulu...and slightly cranky from the delay in Maui and rude, unhelpful gate personnel for my connecting flight. Immediately hit with the muggy and warm...the moisture sucked out of me in the cold midwestern winter suddenly thrust back upon me as I exited the plane. And the overwhelming thought that, while lonely, tired and a titch sad I was home.

I am home. I'm just not sure if this home is what I really want.