Denied

About four weeks, bored and home alone, I thought I might kill time by pulling up my resume and seeing how out of date it was. Not too bad. The last time I had touched it was right after I was offered this job about a years ago. HTY was already listed...only the shows I actually designed had changed. So I spent an hour or so cleaning it up, tweaking, trying new fonts. I thought little of it at the time. I wasn't going to be needing it until next spring when I'd be searching for a job as my contract in Hawaii came to a close. But it never hurts to keep such things up to date.

The next night, similarly bored, I decided to peek at a few of the job sites to see what sort of positions were available mainland. Not much...pretty typical given the summer theatres are in full swing and most fall positions are well into the hiring process. But one shining beacon of hope caught my eye. A major theatre in Chicago was looking for a draper. A theatre a mere 90 minute drive from most of my family. It seemed like providence. Fate. Or Ka. That I should not only have updated my resume the night before, but also randomly checked the job boards. The timing seemed perfect...from the post it looked as though they were attempting to fill position right about the time the two fall shows were finishing up dress rehearsals. I wouldn't be leaving the theatre here in too much of a lurch and it was an out...a ticket out of Hawaii. A guiding finger pointing me in a direction. I would have kicked myself had I not applied.

I tracked down my references to make sure their contact info was up to date (and that they all still liked me). And emailed the resume and letter. And but the rest in God's hands. Oddly enough, it stirred my faith. It seemed too orchestrated, too serendipitous that I should come across the job like that. Maybe it was a helping hand. And over the next 10 days I found myself praying. A lot. I really wanted that job.

Ten days came and went. All of my references and my friends were rooting for me. I still hadn't heard back from the costume director, but in all honesty, I had emailed my resume a day after the job had been posted in the first place. I emailed a follow-up and was promptly rewarded with her response, asking to set up a phone interview for the following week.

I felt as though the interview went very well. She seemed mostly concerned about why I wanted to leave Hawaii, was I moving to Chicago regardless or only if I was offered the position? Maybe I read too much into it. Maybe I didn't read enough into it. Regardless, it was a good phone call. I sent out a thank you the next day. Still muttering a prayer or two.

And in the next week. Waiting. Paranoid. Smoking again. Second thoughts. Was this really the right thing. Strange dreams fed by the paranoia. Some good...back home, running into Cathy, going to Sarah and Travis' wedding. Being greeted by friends and co-workers back at APT. And nightmares...betraying my current employer. A backstabber. A traitor. A quitter. Feelings fueled by the recognition my boss suddenly heaped upon me. How honored he was to work with me. How excited the entire theatre was that for a change they were beginning the season with a full staff. Guilt. I was paranoid that somehow he had found out that I had applied. I had been so careful about not leaking, not wanting to cause ill feelings should I not get the job. Staying on good terms should I get it.

Well. Chicago is not interested in me. The typical denial letter awaited me when I checked my email this morning...The candidates are all highly qualified. Thinning the field has been difficult. We are only hiring one person, We’ve had to make some hard decisions....etc etc...

I knew it was a long shot to begin with. I am qualified, but honestly...haven't been doing this nearly as long as many others. I am a good draper. An excellent draper. But it still plays second fiddle to design. And being out in Hawaii has left me rusty. My talent longs to be used. I'm itching to take on more challenging projects. Apparently the powers that be felt this would be too much of a challenge. I couldn't help but loose faith again. Not in myself. Faith in the hand that pointed out the doorway then slammed it in my face.

Everything happens for a reason. Had I given up on HTY back in January when we first started negotiating the next season (only because I had to bully a decision out of them as two theatre offered me summer work), I would have given up on the island. I would not have met Ross. I would not have pushed Lisa, my apprentice as far. I probably wouldn't have taken advantage of the island as much as I have.

I am crushed. But so be it. I'll weather it out. Something else will come along. And at least this way I'll be able to make it to the black sand beaches on the Big Island after all.