Vicious cycles

Fatigue causes me to over react and stress more readily over the little things. The heightened stress causes bouts of insomnia or restless sleep. I am thus even more tired, and even less prepared to deal with the onslaught of little things (and some major) that will only continue the vicious trend.

And Ross has been incredibly supportive and understanding of my seemingly perpetual mood swings, though understandably annoyed. The strain and tensions are seeping everywhere.

No, this week was not a good week.

It all started out with a great weekend with family down in Milwaukee. Grilled kabobs, fresh juice, s'mores, pie, beer, minimal sibling rivalry over game play...despite the eruption of allergens in southern WI that caused many a runny nose and teary eye.

Turns out the teary eye was really an eye infection...Ross ended up spending Tuesday away from work and stuck between doctor appointments and the pharmacy. An easy fix...nothing near as bad as that random coupe my eye threw my way two years ago.

By Wednesday the eye was largely back to normal, giving way to sleep-disrupting pain emanating from his mouth. So back to a doctor...this time a dentist...and then to a specialist for an emergency root canal..only to discover no specific source of the pain. Rather than do an exploratory procedure the doctor sent Ross away with a pile of pills and the hope that the pain would localize in one spot in the next few days.

It's weeks like this that make me incredibly grateful that we both have jobs providing us with health insurance. That being said, had Ross actually needed the canal that day, our already precarious finances would have taken another blow.

The possibility of having to shell over $400 + (that uninsured runs over $1300...again, very grateful for the coverage) for an operation he just discovered he needed a few hours earlier scared the shit out of me. We don't have that sort of cash just sitting in our account. And our savings is still recovering from two moves, a wedding and a combined 5+ months of unemployment in just over a year. Both of us are slowly on the road to financial security, but all it is going to take is one incident like this to set us back again.

Because there will always be another funeral to make travel arrangements for last minute. There will always be repairs needed for the car. And some medical emergency is always just lurking around the corner...

You can't plan for all of this. And unfortunately there is only so much we can do to skimp and save. Eating out less, games with friends instead of nights at the bars, thrifting over hitting the mall, repairing and recycling existing clothes (come to think of it, over half of my wardrobe if over five years old...), hitting the library and netflix over purchasing DVDs and books, postponing major wants (still no TV, no upgraded sewing machine, no brew kit, no digital SLR camera, and my laptop though on it's last leg is forever on the to address later pile until it finally keels over).

And I'm fine with that. I've gone so long without most of these things. I grew up living frugally, having the importance of saving and benefit of financial independence drilled into me at a young age. The thing that kills me is I am, for the first time, earning a substantial paycheck at a job I love, and we are still unable to make any headway. Old debts take more than their fair share. And new ones start peeking in. Another vicious cycle we can't seem to break out of.

And we are, but it's baby steps. It took months and years to accumulate...it will take months and years to get out of.

The tipping point this week truly was the thought of having to cover the cost of an oral surgery last minute. It would get done. It had to, and we would pay. We have to keep our health. But what else could we sacrifice to help make ends meet in the immediate present?

The sad solution was to cancel our plans, yet again, for July. First we had a trip to DC and Williamsburg planned during my week off. Airfare, car rental costs and hotel stays all added up to be out of our means. Maybe later...

So what to do instead? Try to take advantage of the week off and plan a romantic getaway to make up for the honeymoon that was not? A drive up north to Duluth to stay at a bed and breakfast for three nights. Simple. And quite cheap. But even that, in the growing light of future bills, seems frivolous and decadent. I called and canceled the stay.

And in my weary and fatigued mindset that was the last straw for the week. Ross is in extreme pain. Many a future dental visit is in sight. I'm lossing sleep and stressing more and more with each passing day. And the three day break from it all...a chance to re-coup, re-cover and just be completely into each other; forget the bills, forget work, ignoring family, friends and technology for three days; to just relax and rest...just be...that three day break is no more.

It feels selfish. In my head I'm coming off as a spoiled little brat who wants to be pampered and primped. I know others are far worse off, but fuck it, sometimes you need to think of yourself, don't you? I just want a little break from the cycle. Just for a little while...