Psyche
Psyche, conception of self. Few things force me to focus on such thoughts short of the mediative lucidness of an art class. And possibly the turpentine fumes. Today was day two (and the final day) of the oil painting class I was modeling for.
And the overwhelming thought...I am happy. Genuinely happy. And for the first time in a very long time. I do not feel the overwhelming fear of the unknown. Not debilitating loneliness that I suffered in New Jersey and Massachusetts. Not the moodiness and self doubt that plague me when stress levels skyrocketed. No feelings of betrayal and abandonment that guided my most destructive masochist streak...the need to externalize internal pain.
The root of this happiness...I am content in myself. I am self-reliant. I am healthy. I am not afraid of making a change or pushing myself further. The frustrations at work...not causing me to bow down and passively accept but urged me to stand up for myself. And gain more respect for it. Frustrations with others have caused me to re-evaluate myself and realize some relationships aren't worth the doubt and blame...it's better to cut your losses instead of stringing them along. I'm not a fan of being used as a garbage pail for other's problems. And I refuse to acknowledge said problems when they are used as a crutch.
I'm eating better, walking over an hour a day, quit smoking. I have a job with health coverage in addition to providing some creative stimulation and a sense of purpose...educating and entertaining up coming generations. And other commissions have fed the creative bend more fully. My needs are met.
I've found a strong faith community. A welcoming church. A welcoming community. A friendly neighborhood. A close kindred with several at work. And supportive groups of an assortment of other flavors. That's not to say I don't miss you all terribly back home. But I find I'm also more inclined to keep in touch with everyone back home...more emails, phone calls and letters than anytime else during the last four years. Hmmm...back home. You know what. Home is where I am. I am home.
The odd thing that came out of the art class today though...besides this sudden overwhelming sense of self...was where my modesty lays. Certainly not in nudity. Wouldn't be sprawled out butt naked in front of 15 students if that were the case...
But near the end of the class, they had a brief critique. Strange...almost every student had filled in the background with greenish or bluish hues. I had been set up against a dingy grayish flat that blocked the windows. Very neutral. So they were projecting the color choice from somewhere else. The professor pointed this out.
Three reasons were suggested:
The warm lighting on the figure (lighting designers...think Rosco 004...bastard amber) needed a cool constrast...a cool background for the cool shadows to dissolve into.
Similarly...the warm reddish hair. Why redheads go so well with green...oh wait...basic artistic principal of complimentary colors. And yes...I am not longer the dull mousy-dishwater blonde. The tropical sun has striped away the dullness and left me the strawberry blonde highlights I remember so fondly from before I dyed black so many years before. I think the last time I had completely dye free hair must have been seven years ago.
I digress.
The third caught me a bit off guard. Two students had picked blue because of how vibrant they found my eyes. That made me feel strangely exposed. Nevermind the fact that my clothes were currently folded up in my bag.
The question of objectification. As a model...I am an object. I'm okay with that. I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. Why else would I write online if I didn't mind other people reading. But I like to control who gets close. Who really knows me. I like to remain part of the crowd...faceless...a number. I do not like to call attention to myself. Which is not to say I don't like attention. Everyone enjoys a little flattery. But I choose very carefully the situations when I am the center of attention.
They mention my eyes and I suddenly felt as though they had seen more than just my physical body. They had seen a bit of me as a person.
It shouldn't come as a surprise that those two students...their work seemed to portray something more than the human figure. Theirs conveyed a sense of humanity. As if by finding the person in me they were able to pour themselves more fully into the work.
And the overwhelming thought...I am happy. Genuinely happy. And for the first time in a very long time. I do not feel the overwhelming fear of the unknown. Not debilitating loneliness that I suffered in New Jersey and Massachusetts. Not the moodiness and self doubt that plague me when stress levels skyrocketed. No feelings of betrayal and abandonment that guided my most destructive masochist streak...the need to externalize internal pain.
The root of this happiness...I am content in myself. I am self-reliant. I am healthy. I am not afraid of making a change or pushing myself further. The frustrations at work...not causing me to bow down and passively accept but urged me to stand up for myself. And gain more respect for it. Frustrations with others have caused me to re-evaluate myself and realize some relationships aren't worth the doubt and blame...it's better to cut your losses instead of stringing them along. I'm not a fan of being used as a garbage pail for other's problems. And I refuse to acknowledge said problems when they are used as a crutch.
I'm eating better, walking over an hour a day, quit smoking. I have a job with health coverage in addition to providing some creative stimulation and a sense of purpose...educating and entertaining up coming generations. And other commissions have fed the creative bend more fully. My needs are met.
I've found a strong faith community. A welcoming church. A welcoming community. A friendly neighborhood. A close kindred with several at work. And supportive groups of an assortment of other flavors. That's not to say I don't miss you all terribly back home. But I find I'm also more inclined to keep in touch with everyone back home...more emails, phone calls and letters than anytime else during the last four years. Hmmm...back home. You know what. Home is where I am. I am home.
The odd thing that came out of the art class today though...besides this sudden overwhelming sense of self...was where my modesty lays. Certainly not in nudity. Wouldn't be sprawled out butt naked in front of 15 students if that were the case...
But near the end of the class, they had a brief critique. Strange...almost every student had filled in the background with greenish or bluish hues. I had been set up against a dingy grayish flat that blocked the windows. Very neutral. So they were projecting the color choice from somewhere else. The professor pointed this out.
Three reasons were suggested:
The warm lighting on the figure (lighting designers...think Rosco 004...bastard amber) needed a cool constrast...a cool background for the cool shadows to dissolve into.
Similarly...the warm reddish hair. Why redheads go so well with green...oh wait...basic artistic principal of complimentary colors. And yes...I am not longer the dull mousy-dishwater blonde. The tropical sun has striped away the dullness and left me the strawberry blonde highlights I remember so fondly from before I dyed black so many years before. I think the last time I had completely dye free hair must have been seven years ago.
I digress.
The third caught me a bit off guard. Two students had picked blue because of how vibrant they found my eyes. That made me feel strangely exposed. Nevermind the fact that my clothes were currently folded up in my bag.
The question of objectification. As a model...I am an object. I'm okay with that. I'm a bit of an exhibitionist. Why else would I write online if I didn't mind other people reading. But I like to control who gets close. Who really knows me. I like to remain part of the crowd...faceless...a number. I do not like to call attention to myself. Which is not to say I don't like attention. Everyone enjoys a little flattery. But I choose very carefully the situations when I am the center of attention.
They mention my eyes and I suddenly felt as though they had seen more than just my physical body. They had seen a bit of me as a person.
It shouldn't come as a surprise that those two students...their work seemed to portray something more than the human figure. Theirs conveyed a sense of humanity. As if by finding the person in me they were able to pour themselves more fully into the work.
Labels: modeling
posted by Unknown at
11:26 PM
1 Comments:
I'm glad to hear that you're eating well and walking a lot. Walking can be the best form of exercise sometimes since it doesn't place inordinate strain on any joints. Walking can also be fun. You should blog about some of the really interesting things you see when you go walking.
If you get a chance, check out my blog at: eight-thirty.blogspot.com.
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