Weddings and Bucket Lists

This past Saturday my boss got hitched. It was a beautiful, simple ceremony. In a church. In front of God, family and friends. In front of God...oddly the one detail I really hoped for, but never thought I'd get when our day came. Our day... Right.

And an elaborate, expensive outdoor reception. Prompting me to think when I get married, things will be much simpler and much smaller. And cheaper as I will more likely than not be paying my own way. Which really shouldn't come as a surprise.

Which then prompted me to realize...I should be married by now. I was on that track. Nearly six years on the track. Would be well into year seven now. And something went drastically wrong along the way. And now, not broken up. No. It feels like I'm frickin divorced. Only I didn't loose half of my assets along the way.

And I wondered what my wedding, should that day ever come, be like. Knowing my closest friends are all mutual friends to the person I had always pictured myself standing at the altar with. Would they be bitter or confused or even hurt that the person they long talked about me joining up there is sitting alongside them in the pews? And who is this stranger...

And should I even care what they think since the day is supposed to be about me, my partner and the love we profess for each other.

Can I even trust myself or someone else enough, allow myself to become close enough to even think about weddings?

And berating myself for even having these dour thoughts when it was a mutual parting. Still talk...though albeit in the last month, rarely.

And did we really part amiably? Or is it my fault? And neither of us ever spoke up?

And I shouldn't be having these thoughts. Knowing I'm happy with another guy right now. At the beginning of the track again so to speak.

But regrets. What ifs.

Regrets...perfect time to see Bucket List right? I was a balling heap of girly goo between that wedding and that movie. Need to start a bucket list...granted finances will always keep my list much more frugal than the one Carter and Edward work from. But oh so many things can be crossed off while I'm still here...

See a volcano, swim with dolphins, parasail, snorkel, sky dive, scuba dive, maybe stand upright on a surf board instead of laying on it, fire dance, visit a black sand beach, learn a new dance style...

Tick tock, tick tock.

The trip to Florida at the end of April will be good. Maybe it's just the Hawaiian version of spring fever...I need to get off this rock for a while.

And maybe my mind chose to fixate on that just so I wouldn't fixate and stress about the phone call from the doctor I'm supposed to get today.