The Easy Answer

I wanted the easy answer. The one that summed up all of the problems into one neat little package...preferably caused by things outside of my control and not out of choices I had made directly. And with that easy answer I wanted a simple solution.

But life isn't so simple. At least not for me it seems.

I finally made an appointment at a clinic. Not only was I overdo for an exam and in need to began a rapport with a care physician, but I hoped to get to the bottom of the excessive and chronic fatigue that has plagued me for over a month now. But just being tired wasn't everything. No. I also could not make a dent in my slowly increasing weight despite three weeks of purging all sugaring and processed foods from my diet AND adding 30 minutes of cardio six days a week.

I have never regularly worked out in my life. Short of walking to and from work everyday and regularly opting for the stairs over the elevator. But the combination of that dragging, sluggish feeling at work and the lack of impact my diet was having coaxed me to try. So I started working out six mornings a week. A month in...I was only more tired for losing that hour of sleep in the morning and had still managed to gain five pounds.

I was...I am more irritable than usual. From extreme frustration and anger in search of a target to bouts of unprompted, unabashed crying (usually around 11am...while everything is full swing at work).

I feel completely out of control. And I hoped, I truly hoped, my visit would shed some light on the cause...that I had an easy answer...that everything had one silly little physiological source.

In a weird way...I wanted to pin the problem on my body...something hormonal, some vitamin deffiency...I don't know. Something. I did not want it to be me. Truly "me." The space between my ears. I didn't want all of this anger and frustration. All of these tears and unprovoked stress to be ingrained in my personality. I didn't want the weight and sleep to be because of something I STILL WASN'T DOING RIGHT. Because I had been trying so much harder...and only felt like a failure.

I wanted an easy answer that offer vindication. That would provide affirmation. I didn't want to feel like it was somehow my fault that things still spiraled downward.

Unfortunately that easy answer did not come.

All tests normal...full blood work, cholesterol, glucose, thyroid-stimulating hormone...all within normal range. Not even the suggestion of anemia. Normal.

So why don't I feel that way?

And with the test result, a kiss off from my doctor stating exactly what the results themselves showed me...all lab tests were normal. No suggestions. No helpful hints. No other tests to consider. Just normal. The tests are normal. So end of story.

But nothing's changed! I still feel like crap. Only now it seems there's nothing medically wrong.

I just don't know. I don't know...