Is it depression yet?

So. The weight is actually starting to tick away. Ounce by ounce. The scale upstairs is a little titchy, so I won't really know my progress until the nurse weighs me in two weeks when I get my next vaccine booster.

And I'm sleeping more deeply, though still not enough.

I know for certain now that I am not pregnant (and thanks to many, many people whose mind immediately jumped to that. No. That is an emphatic NO. I am not pregnant)

And my attention span at work is returning...though a plate full of notes during the last week helps a lot. Much is to be said about idle hands.

But the stress and mood swings continue through the roof. Set off by little things. Mostly finance issues. Bills that keep coming.

But am I stressing and depressed because of the bills...or is depression chipping away at my ability to coup with them?

Yes, I am still searching for that easy answer. Mostly because I don't remember ever being on this much of an emotional roller coaster...and it is starting to affect everything in my life. Most noticeable my self esteem.

I've always been hard on myself. And now when a little thing goes awry, I enter a full on mental assault on myself.

I know it's not healthy.

And I know I need to talk to someone.

But with the last doctor giving me a kiss off after my physical, I'm hesitant to return to that route for help.

What is the next step? A new doctor? A counselor (god, I wish they didn't cost so much)? The holistic approach? Sweating the stress away and the healthy diet sure hasn't helped. Nor has the extreme pity party complete with haagen-daz. I find momentary reprieve in a few creative hobbies, but usually the sight of our perpetually cluttered table or covered counter spaces shatters any motivation.

What I really want right now is my support group. I really, really miss my friends...